Supporting Your Friend Through a Miscarriage
If your friend is walking through the unimaginable, odds are you don’t know what to do past the initial “I’m so sorry for your loss” response… and that is OK. What if I told you that isn’t even the most appropriate response?
As a society we are taught that if someone is grieving you respond the best you know how to help yourself feel better as if you’ve checked off a box and then you’re a good friend… but supporting a grieving friend is much more complex than that.
Grieving isn’t a one size fits all recipe. Some women prefer to be checked in on frequently, some prefer to not be the center of a constant pity party and some prefer for you to sit in the suck with them and not try to make it better right away. Do you know how your friend grieves? Likely not - but don’t let that discourage you.
Here are things that many people say to check off the box of reaching out and feel like they are helping that really aren’t helpful:
Sorry for your loss.
Now your angel is in heaven with Jesus looking down on you.
At least it happened sooner rather than later.
Everything happens for a reason.
You’re so brave.
When are you going to try for another?
Miscarriages are so common.
At least you already have kids.
You have an angel now.
Here’s a template for possible responses that would be more helpful than “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
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“Oh my heart. Friend I am so sorry that you’re walking through such a trying time right now. I want you to know that I’m here to support you however you need it. How can I support you best when you’re grieving? What do you find helpful?”
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“Hey friend! I saw your recent post and I want you to know I’m here to sit in the suck with you. How can I best serve you where you’re at right now?”
When someone is walking through trauma, keep in mind they may not know how to ask for help. We aren’t taught how to ask for help… we are praised for all the things we can “do all by ourself” and that has damaging psychological effects.
Don’t say:
What do you need right now?
Instead say:
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“Hey! I’m here for you. I am going to cook your family dinner - what meal are you in the mood for/what’s your favorite restaurant?”
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“I am here to help support you and your sweet kiddos. I’m making a busy basket for the littles. What are their favorite crafts/characters etc?”
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“Hey! I’m taking my kids to the park, I want to swing by and pick yours up as well for a play date if that’s okay with you! They’d have so much fun and I’d love to spend time with them.”
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“I’m running to the store in about an hour to pick up some things for the week. What groceries are you wanting restocked and are there any items you or your family are needing right now?”
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“I’m praying over your family - how can I specifically pray for you all?”
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“I’d love to come and visit you, are you accepting visitors right now?”
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“I’d love to cook you a meal, but I am too far away - where can I send money over to donate a meal?”
Things to consider doing for your friend in this initial stage of grief + survival mode:
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Help with children and animals. Babysit, feed them, bring over activities to keep their lives full of purpose while mama is resting and healing - mom guilt is so real during this survival period. If they have animals - feed them, take them for walks etc - ask how you can serve them.
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Support the family. Bring supportive things for dad too - he’s grieving in his own way and likely won’t open up too much about it because he’s busy being the rock for the family. Ask how you can support him as well - does he have a favorite food/drink/magazine - what?!
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Offer to clean, wash dishes, wash and fold laundry etc. all of these tasks never end - not even when you’re grieving. Taking them off of your friend’s plate could be so helpful if that’s how your friend likes being supported.
If you live far away and cannot help in person - here are some ideas:
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Be a listening board for your friend to vent.
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Make time for phone calls to check in.
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Send over money, call in door dash or whatever meal delivery service and send over a meal.
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Order something for the family that will support their specific needs (kids activities, journals, a comfy blanket, favorite comfort snacks etc.)
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Pray intentionally over your friend and their family - one thing that has stuck with me through my life is this thought: you are responsible for every prayer you say you’re going to pray and you don’t… so if you drop that “im praying for you” comment - you better be stopping what you’re doing and praying that prayer
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If your friend needs distraction, find funny memes to send over daily. Be a source of constant encouragement and support.
One thing to note is that most people show up for the first two weeks and then trickle off… but the family isn’t healed then and often they need MORE support after the initial survival mode kicks in.
Be the friend that checks in weekly to make sure needs are being met.
Get to know how your friend likes being supported. Does she like funny memes? Really good podcasts? Sermons? Certain music? A favorite show? Learn about her needs and find a creative way to meet them.
This time is going to be so intimate…real friends stepping up and supporting mama is only going to deepen your bond to one another and lay the foundation for an even more intentional friendship.
Push through those awkward feelings of not knowing what to say or how to help. Give yourself grace and ask mama how you can best serve her and allow her time to figure it out.
If you have the honor of being designated as mama’s person that she leans on the hardest, make sure that you are allowing yourself room to process the heaviness of the emotions. Find outlets to decompress. Journaling is a solid option or plugging into your own support system to be able to stay as sharp and on it for mama while you serve her.