Losing My Soul Dog
It’s the middle of the night, not even 24 hours after we had to put Kiara down, and I can’t sleep. I’m sad and find that journaling helps me to heal… so that’s what I’m doing here. I decided to bring you along for this part of my therapy session as I reflect on the 9 beautiful years I got to spend with Kiara - who experienced so many of my huge life transitions with me. Earlier today someone made reference to “losing your soul dog”, and that’s sticking with me. Kiara was so much more than one of my dogs, she was THE dog. My soul dog. The one who experienced some my biggest life changes and navigated changing alongside me…this loss hurts… and I’m sure it’s a compound hurt to the loss of Luna two months ago. I don’t even know if this blog will flow or make sense -but this is where I’m at. Here we go…
When I was in my early 20’s, I left the town I grew up in and moved hundreds of miles south to Florida on a whim. Shortly after the move, my roommate at the time who went down to FL with me moved back home and I found myself all alone in one of the largest cities in the world. I decided I needed a dog to protect me and I had been leaning towards a German Shepherd.
Being young and not knowing better at the time, I went to the local puppy store and they had the most adorable female shepherd there. At that time I was making just enough to provide for my needs and pay all of my bills. I didn’t see how I could financially support a dog, so I left this sweet girl at the puppy store and prayed on it.
A couple weeks later I found myself back at the puppy shop visiting and that same sweet girl was there. I knew she was mine…but again, didn’t see how I could afford to pay for her or support her. So I left - wanting her so badly, but knowing I likely couldn’t make it work.
A few days later I felt a nudge. The same kind of nudge that led me to the farm… It was very clear that I was to get that dog and somehow it would all work out. So I went back to the store after friends and family discouraged such a large purchase and talked with the store owner.
At that time, I was working as an Activity Coordinator at a local Alzheimer’s and Dementia community and I knew that this sweet puppy would be such a light for those residents, so I negotiated a deal and was able to lower her price by almost half - allowing me to afford to take her home.
I didn’t know how we’d make It financially, but I knew she was meant for me.
At this point in my life I didn’t know who my husband was or who my children would be - but I knew I wanted to raise this sweet girl to protect them - whenever they fell into my story. I brought this sweet face home to my apartment and named her Kiara… and life began to fall into place.
Suddenly, I had a purpose much bigger than myself. Kiara created a routine in my life and got me out of the apartment after long days at work together to go to a local dog park - where I met a group of fellow German Shepherd owners and formed my first friend group in town. We hung out at the dog park regularly and even took our pups out to dog friendly restaurants to help with their training in social situations. It was so good for Kiara (and me too).
Life was shaping up and the residents at work adored her and she was such a fast learner. German Shepherd’s are so gentle and smart - and when given a job, they perform so well! Kiara was no exception there!
For those of you who don’t know, Jason and I worked together and were friends months before we ever started dating. I often referred to him as my “brother” because of how great of friends we were and how in tune we were with one another. Jason knew Kiara as a puppy and grew with her, too, as I brought her to work daily.
A few months into life with Kiara, her body started doing really strange things. She had gaping wounds on her face and her tail and she lost over 20 lbs in a matter of weeks as a growing puppy. I took her in and the vet ran tests - she had something called EPI (endocrine pancreatic insufficiency). Apparently, it’s not uncommon in German Shepherds due to overbreeding - but I had no clue that it was a thing. I was already invested, so we did what we had to do to help Kiara live comfortably.
For those who don’t know, EPI requires a lifetime of supplementing enzymes with each meal…aka a money pit.
Side Note: if you are struggling with this, I found that Enzyme Diane is a wonderful option that costs less than what you can find in most local markets. We went with purchasing 1 kilo of the 6x and gave her 1/2 of a tsp each meal - Kiara was on it her entire life and it worked so well for her.
We adapted to all of the changes that came our way and kept on adventuring through life. Kiara was my adventure buddy - always down for something new and ready to protect me wherever went. We loved each other something fierce. She got all of me… 100% focus and attention for so long. And then came Jason…
Jason successfully advanced from the friend zone and was a welcomed addition to our girl gang. Kiara quickly learned that her role as guard dog now included 2 humans, and she stepped up to the challenge. Our little crew spent time adventuring together and just enjoying life. Kiara loved the beach, bike riding, and hiking in the woods - so many of our nights and weekends were consumed with going places to compensate for the fact that we lived in an apartment and I wanted her to get all the exercise her growing body needed. If you haven’t figured it out by this point, Kiara was very much a part of the family and played an active role in getting Jason and I out and about. She trained us for parenthood with how to be selfless and put others needs first.
When Jason and I decided we were a forever thing, we included Kiara in our engagement photos - and I’m so thankful we did. They are even more precious to me now. We had no clue where life was going to take us, but we knew we’d get there together. It’s so strange looking back on photos knowing what I know now and thinking, “wow, they had no clue how all of this would turn out.”
Life changed pretty quickly for all of us after we got married, thanks to Kiara’s EPI diagnosis…
You see, when I negotiated Kiara’s purchase, there was a clause that said “if your puppy has a genetic disorder within the first year of life, you get another puppy free on us.” Well, EPI is a genetic disorder… So I was patiently holding onto this coupon for a free puppy and honestly, I can’t remember if Jason knew that was on the table or not! A couple weeks after we said “I do”, I was scrolling on Facebook and saw the most adorable all black German Shepherd puppy and immediately, I knew she was ours.
I remember it like it was yesterday… Jason was in the shower and I was in the living room. I saw this puppy come across my phone and I opened the bathroom for and said, “hey, I’m going to the mall to pick something up, do you want to come with me.” Without asking a single question, Jason was like - “yeah, sure! Let’s go.” He quickly learned to be more inquisitive when we arrived at the puppy store (that was located in the mall…).
Something you may not know about Jason is that he wasn’t always an animal guy. Living with Kiara was a stretch for him and he had zero desire to have any more dogs - but he loved me very much and folded. Luna came home with us and Kiara was upgraded to a big sister. She assumed this new role as organically as all of the others and was happy to have a friend.
Luna and Kiara had birthdays four days apart from each other making them almost exactly a year apart in age. Since Kiara was very much still in training to be a therapy dog, we rolled Luna into her training and now had two dogs serving the Alzheimers and Dementia community I worked at. I remember these days being filled with a lot of adventure and I also remember the apartment feeling much smaller than it used to. Jason got the itch to start house hunting & we were off on a new adventure - flipping a wreck of a foreclosure to live in. We knew we wanted to grow our family by human feet, so it made sense to make the move.
Sharing this story with you really just makes me smile - which is a nice break from the tears I’ve been shedding since Kiara passed away. Seeing God’s goodness in every step of our story provides a peace that only He can in the midst of heartbreak. That house that we moved in to to make room for our future family is one of the biggest reasons we could make the move to the farm when he called us to move… We bought a fixer upper and turned an incredible profit thanks to Jason’s talents and skillset. God is so good…
A few months Into our house flip, we found out that we were pregnant. I didn’t know it then, but I would be quitting my job to stay home full time with our sweet baby boy, and life was about to look oh so different than our previous seasons together.
Kiara and Luna went from being our babies to being our fiercest protectors. They assumed the role of caring for Landon and took it very seriously. After seeing Kiara and Luna with our baby, I knew that I had made the right decision when I took the leap to buy Kiara. She aged so well into her many different roles in my life - but this season was by far her sharpest (Luna’s too).
Over the course of the next few years, both Kiara and Luna took care of our family. They provided so much comfort to me after the kids and I were almost taken and guarded us so well when we were out and about together. I knew if they were with me, nobody could harm us.
When the children were little, I would purposely take the dogs with us on our trip to Virginia to visit family. Having them with me as I traveled with two kiddos solo made me feel so much safer. I always had extra eyes looking out for me at our gas station stops - ready to ward off anyone who got too close to the car. Those girls took their job very serious, and there were a couple of times that people were encouraged to back away from my vehicle that held their tiny humans inside while I was pumping gas. Those girls knew how to place the fear of God into unsuspecting strangers - and I loved them for that.
When our lives flipped from city to country - Kiara and Luna didn’t skip a beat. They fell into line with wide open spaces and guarding what was ours.
I shared the story on my instagram post about the day Landon snuck out of the house to drive in his little red truck on the property in the early hours of the morning when Jason and I weren’t there.
My dad went looking all over for him and spotted Kiara running circles around his red truck so that he couldn’t get any closer to the pond. She was always on guard duty.
No matter the time of day. If we woke up for a night feed with the kids, she got up and joined us. Middle of the night pumping sessions? She was at my feet. Children crying? She was there to check on them. Food falling on the floor? Also the first one to offer her cleaning services.
With the addition of each farm animal and each guard dog (Ella, Samson and Gracie), Kiara and Luna welcomed them into the pack.
At one point, we had all four dogs naturally manning different positions on the farm at night. One guarded our door, two ran perimeter, and the other was maybe 100 feet away from the door position. For a season I wasn’t sleeping well… and I would sit at my computer watching the dogs change shifts for resting by the door vs. being on and patrolling. It was the coolest thing to see them orchestrate that level of patrol on their own. They’re all so very wise and love us something fierce.
I’m thankful Samson got to know them so well and was able to be trained up by Kiara and Luna. He’s our lead protector now. Gosh, the story of Samson, how he came to the farm, what he endured, and the role he’s in now is an entire testimony to God’s provision… maybe one day I’ll sit down and write that blog… but until then I’ll just soak it all in. God is so good. Yes, even in the midst of all of this pain… His plan and His purpose shines through.
Well, this is the part of the therapy session where it’s starting to feel real. I had smiles before and now, straight tears. I guess because we are getting closer to the part of the story where they go from are to were… Gosh this sucks. Why do dogs have to die? They come into your life, love you unconditionally, position themselves into the largest parts of your heart and then die. It’s the most beautifully awful thing ever and you love them so fiercely that you’d do it all over again knowing how much it would hurt.
I’ll be honest here. I am feeling so much sadness and hurt while simultaneously thinking to myself “she was a dog.” I didn’t lose Landon or Aria. My human babies are with me and very much alive. Praise God. But here I am hurting and mourning the loss of a dog (or two, or three, or four…) as if they were my babies. Well, they were to some capacity - but it’s a very strange feeling to navigate being grateful for what you have while simultaneously feeling so deeply hurt.
I know I’ll be ok. I know that this pain won’t sting as deeply as it dose right now and that I will move on and find joy again…but the thought of being happy while losing so many important animals in my life in such a short time frame feels daunting.
Yesterday started like any other day with the most energetic greeting from my sweet pup. She sat near me as I milked the cow in the field and when I was done I noticed she looked sad. I thought she was having quarrel with Samson - which they’ve been getting into recently with Samson wanting to be Alfa and Kiara not backing down... but I knew something was off.
As I strained the milk, I told Jason that Kiara was sad, so give her extra loving when he went to the barn (he was feeding the animals so I could make breakfast).
I thought nothing else of it until Jason came back in and said, “I don’t think she’s sad. I think she’s dying. She refused to eat and drink at the barn.” This was a HUGE red flag. Kiara was our best eater on the farm. She never missed a meal and often ate everyone else’s meal.
I ran out check on her and she was laying at the front door. I called her to come with me and she didn’t move. Second red flag.
I offered her a piece of my pretzel that I had just heated up (not something I’d usually offer, but desperate times…).
She looked at it and didn’t budge. She was not ok. It was at this point that I knew Jason was right. She was dying.
I palpated her body and tired helping her to her feet. She began yelping. Kiara NEVER yelped in pain. Even when she had wounds that I had to clean out - she NEVER made a sound. That’s how Shepherds are built - to never show weakness.
I called the vet and tried to get him to come out, but his schedule was already slammed. Of course it was Saturday afternoon on Memorial Day weekend and our vet office wouldn’t be open for days… so I opened the back of my car and said, “Kiara do you want to go to the vet?” And she got up and jumped into the car and laid down pathetically. Mom and I were shocked and I loaded the family up and took her in.
As soon as we got there they rushed her back into X-ray… after reviewing her X-ray, I’m so glad we brought her in.
We learned that Kiara had either mesenteric or colonic torsion (twisting of the intestines). The X-ray showed that her intestines flipped into themselves. Her chance of surviving the surgery if we chose to do surgery would have been an estimated 10%. I asked what causes this kind of torsion since it seems so out of the blue - and the vet didn’t know. He chalked it up to bad luck and noted that it is common within the breed.
For me, it wasn’t worth it to put her through a major surgery with such a low survival rate especially with her medical history and current health. I knew the second the vet said torsion that she was going to be with Luna yesterday.
We had our time to say our final goodbyes. The kids know this song and dance well now. We talked through what was happening and why she had to go. Landon was really pulling for a miracle - but it just wasn’t in her cards. I held it together the best that I could while still sharing how I was feeling. We came together for one last photo with her before she went to be with Luna.
When we got home, Jason dug a hole next to where Luna was laid two months prior and we said our final goodbyes. I lost it. Ugly crying… the works. And honestly, outside of this therapy writing session, I haven’t said much else.
I’m forcing myself to eat and drink, snuggling my babies, and crying… a lot. That’s where I’m at - and that’s okay. Hurting this hard only comes from loving equally as hard.
I know it won’t always feel like this, and I’m giving myself time to grieve - something I’m finding has very healthy long term effects.
My heart hurts. And crazy enough - all I could think about last night in between the tears is how badly I want another German Shepherd. They are a special dog for so many reasons… and I hate not having one. Who knows if we will get another or not - but this is just where I’m at. Keeping it real & raw like always - even when it sucks.
The sun is coming up - time to end this therapy session. Thanks for giving me space to feel the feels and be a little more absent than usual as my heart heals.